The Mortal Side of Writing (First Edition)

Legend:

( ) — Side Comments/Reactions of THE Author — (yeah that’s me, idiot.)

“ ” — Sometimes Puns. Sometimes Clichés. Sometimes Sarcasm. (Go Figure)

“First Edition: Episode 01: Pilot”

While knocking. Author? Author? Hello? Anybody home?

Author pauses writing, gave the paper a horrified look, and drops the pen.

Holy shit! He’s here! Quick, hide under the “sheets!”

Author, slowly peaks through the curtains and looks out the window.

With nervous greeting. Oh hey, Procrastination! You’re early…I’ll be out in a sec!

Rushes in clearing out his desk. What has gotten into him? It’s way too early. Damn it, I’m really sorry about this Idea. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. That idiot always shows up at the — Hey Pro! What’s up? You’re just right on time, let’s Netflix and chill? *Fake smile*

Sorry buddy, I had to budge in, doors open and it’s starting to drizzle outside. What’s wrong?

With nervous laughter. Nothing’s wrong, I’m totally fine, it’s all good.

Nah, something’s wrong, come on tell me. Ugh…did I catch you at a bad timing?

“Bad timing?!” Hah! No, I’m fine. Really. I’m just fixing my desk.

Let me give you a hand then…Starts to approach the desk.

No — no! It’s cool, I can handle it. Just sit over the couch, and I’ll be right there in a minute.

Okay, cool. I’m just gonna… *points to the couch*

Yeah, just sit right there, let me just finish this, then we’ll watch. Make yourself at home.

Heads over the couch. Uhm, oh, have you ugh…Have you talked to Inspiration yet? Is she, still angry with me?

Nah, no, I mean. I…the last time we spoke she said –

As Author speaks, Idea tries to sneak out at the back door but Procrastination caught her. (Isn’t she stupid? She’s supposed to hide under the “sheets,” ugh, what an idiot.)

With a screaming voice. WHAT THE FUCK?! Idea? What the hell are you doing here? Idea looked so terrified… (Duh) What did you do to my sister asshole? Why is she here?

Wait… WHAT? He’s your brother?! Wha-? (Surprise, surprise!)

Calm down, both of you! I can explain everything!

Fuck you, what did you do to her?!! Did you try to “write” my sister? DID YOU?

No, I did not — thanks to you, I was about to until you’re your stupid ass showed up!

YOU SON OF A — *Idea tries to hold Pro back*

Calm down Pro!

See, that’s why Inspiration left you, you know. You’re always delaying everything. You’re always prioritizing less important shit. You never make time for her even if you can! Thank God, she realized that she’s better off with somebody else because she knows if she stayed with you, NOTHING’S EVER going to happen. Because you’re a lazy piece of shit!! (ZING!)

Procrastination punched Author right in the nose. (Ooohh! Fight! Fight! Fight!)

Fuck you. You don’t know me, you don’t know us.

Maybe I don’t. Spits blood. But I do know, that’s she’s happier in Action’s arms right now. They’re making great progress, they’re getting things done. Unlike you, all you ever did was stop her from becoming who she wanted to be. It’s always about you!

That’s not true!

Author, stop this! Shut up both of you! (You shut up! You stupid idiot… boooohhh!!! Fight! Fight Fight!)

Why do you think Idea is sneaking out on you? Huh? It’s because she knows you’re a fucking loser! She’ll never be the “next big thing” if she stays at home with you and just binge watch episodes of Friends. I mean seriously? You’ve seen that a thousand times — you can’t even start watching How I Met Your Mother because you have such a lazy ass!

No asshole, don’t you dare make this about me, you’re the one who tried to “write” my sister!

Oh really? Why don’t you ask her? She’s the one who always comes to me, always knocks on my door, always blows up my phone sharing all her stupid thoughts, and wakes me up In The Middle of the Fucking Night! *Looks at Idea* Fuck you. I don’t want to hear all your nonsense bullshit!

What did you just say to me Author? (You heard him!)

You heard me.

Excuse me, in case you’ve forgotten, you’ll never be who you are if it weren’t for me. You’re the one who’s always trying to find me — you even called up Inspiration one time because you’re stuck! You always keep getting stuck without me. You’d probably died out of writer’s block if I hadn’t come back.

Oh yeah? Well, that’s what’s wrong with you, both of you. You always think the world revolves around you, that you’re the reason for EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN ANYONE’S LIFE. THAT WITHOUT YOU THE WORLD WILL STOP CREATING SHIT. Look at you, you’re a mess. You’re a big FUCKING mess. Whenever, I’m “writing” you, you’re just all over the place. I always have to figure out what you want, I always have to satisfy you and “write” you off properly. Sometimes you’re in a hurry that I can’t wrap my head around you, sometimes you’re lingering too long, and it’s making me crazy! I thought “writing” is supposed to be pleasurable and beautiful but most of the time IT’S NOT because you’re so vague, and your brother always shows up at the wrong time!

(Uhm…in case you missed that, Author just compared writing to having sex).

Oh and for your information Pro, your sister is a fucking whore! She tries to always get it on with other writers! Stares angrily at Idea. You think I didn’t know? Like mother, like daughter right?

Leave our mom out of this Author.

Your mother is a whore, just like you *Looks at Idea* And your father is a bum. Just. Like. You. *Looks at Procrastination*

That’s it, we’re done! I’m breaking up with you! C’mon Pro, let’s go.

You’re gonna regret this BUDDY. (Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!)

Pro!!! Don’t!!!!!

Pro punched Author with 500 pounds of laziness, and fled the scene with her sister Idea. According to THE author, Author finally succumbed to binge watching an episode of Friends — S05E14: The One Where Everybody Finds Out. (Look it up…Hilarious AF).

– End –

Footnotes:

“Friends”: A hit 90’s TV Show about 5 friends who are always saying funny stuff to each other.

“How I Met Your Mother”: A show about how Ted (one of the main characters) met his children’s mother. The mother’s dead btw.